"He's Doing Another Feet-First Dive!"

All of us normal folks know we would look ridiculous in the Olympics. The question is, which event would I look the most ridiculous participating in? Remember: I'd be wearing the same garb as the other athletes and competing without irony. Imagine me on TV...

5. Diving
Weaknesses: I have never taken swimming lessons and I don't know how to dive in the water head first. Emily impersonated an announcer when I asked her how I'd look in the Olympic diving competition. "Unbelievable! He's doing another feet-first dive!"

Strengths: I can also do a cannonball.

4. Weightlifting
Weaknesses: Good God, have you seen my physique? Even in my weightlifting heyday (college, when I was forced to lift three times a week), the most I benched in reps was 125 pounds.

Strengths: If "Jogging In Place With Heavy Hands" ever becomes a medal event, I'd be awesome.


3. Gymnastics
Weaknesses: I can't touch my toes. I can't do five dips or pull-ups unassisted. All limitations I have for diving and weightlifting would apply here.

Strengths: My dad was an All-American gymnast at Indiana University in the floor exercises. I'm shitting you negative. However, I'm not sure how these genes (that I somehow missed out on) would help me with my floor exercise routine, which would feature doing push-ups, jumping jacks, a few somersaults, and holding some plank positions for 30 seconds. But the scary part is this would be my best gymnastic event (what the hex would I do on the rings, just try to hang on for two minutes?), unless the judges would allow me to treat the vault as if it were a wet jump in the steeplechase.

2. Swimming
Weaknesses: Did I mention I have never taken swimming lessons? I know zero strokes outside of the doggie paddle and I could wing freestyle. Also, I sink like a rock. My natural buoyancy finds me underwater just below my eyes. In college I had a knee injury during one of the cross country seasons, so I worked out in the pool a lot, running in place. Only I had to wear an aquajogger to avoid drowning.



Kind of like floaties for a grown-up.

Strengths: I could at least finish the damn race, assuming it's freestyle... as long as I'm allowed to rest on the lane lines every thirty seconds and hang out on the edge of the pool for a few minutes when I reach the turns.

1. Figure Skating
Weaknesses: I've never been ice skating in my life. So it's like my inability to swim but worse. Figure skating is like floor exercises on ice. I'm screwed.

Strengths: I can't do my somersault and jumping jack routine on the ice, but if the judges let me do some plank on the ice with my skates on, maybe I can pick up half a point that way.